Poetry

To Marcella Singh:

Writing Poem

Dear Marcella,

To me this poem has a song-like quality. The repeated phrase “I am home tonight” feels like a chorus, and resonates with me a lot because of how it evokes an image of safety in the comfort of your home. On top of this repetition, rhyming is also used frequently, mostly in the same line such as “I am stuck with no luck.” This again reminded me of lyrics to a song. One thing I would recommend is to change the wording of the line, “My main focus is to write how I feel,” because I felt that this did not mesh as well with the lyrical quality of the other lines.

As for the content of the poem itself, I think it effectively communicates a mood of being conflicted – on the one hand, being safe in the comfort of your home, but also stuck in a kind of writer’s block since you cannot help but think about the things that happened that day. Your metaphor “pain is a circus in my brain” goes a long way toward evoking this mood, and if you used more figurative language I think the image would be even more complete in the reader’s mind.

Sincerely,

Theo

Alphabet Poem

Dear Marcella,

First of all, I think this poem starts off very well; the first two lines grab the reader’s attention, and establish that this is a love poem being told to the love interest (“you”). Then, you continue with very strong rhymes with the third and fourth rhymes (you, do, overdue). The rest the first half of the poem features more rhymes within the same line, and I think this contributes to a very playful mood of the poem, like a story of innocent love. A line that especially stands out as contributing to this feeling is “I love you,” with no other embellishments, something that someone says when they honestly love someone and is not afraid to hide their feelings.

The main issue with the poem in my opinion is the second half. First, the lines become much shorter and I’m not sure if there is an artistic reason behind that. Second, there is a bit of a confusion in terms of the message. Lines like “Pretty smile you have / Quiz me” keep on with the innocent vibe, but then “Universe says no” makes me think that the relationship has ended and this poem is about fond memories from the past. “When will you leave me alone” also comes out of nowhere – is this hinting at an argument that they had, or simply showing how deeply in love the love interest is? I also think that the poem does not end as strongly as it starts – it would be nice to have two lines that better encapsulated the message of the poem.

Overall, despite these weaknesses it was very easy to feel the emotions behind this poem because of how genuine its voice was – you could tell that a real person was being talked about.

Sincerely,

Theo

Haiku Poem 

Dear Marcella,

I don’t want to come across as annoying but a lot of these haikus don’t follow the syllable count. Also, I think they would be more memorable for the reader if they connected together as one story. However, as they are there are some great examples of imagery. For example, “My tongue began to tingle” really evokes the feeling of tasting sour milk. “My feet scuffed” is also a great choice of words for walking through leaves in the park. I think you used imagery very well, just that it could have been better in the context of a broader story.

Sincerely,

Theo

List Poem

Dear Marcella,

This poem seems very simple, dominated by the repetition of “I love” at the start of each line, but once again I love how honest it is. Lines like “I love physical touch” and “I love my mom” are very relatable. The long car rides and brushing your fingers through your cat are also great images that evoke a feeling of being at peace, and being grateful for the small things in life. This imagery contributes to the message of the poem, best summarized in the line, “I love being grateful for everything.” Then, we are even thrown in the surprise line, “I love being happy about things that are sad,” which shows the speaker’s resilience, and their determination to continue loving life in the face of adversity. That is such a relatable message, and combined with the beautiful simple imagery makes a spectacular poem.

Sincerely,

Theo

Chant Poem

Dear Marcella,

This is a very upfront and unapologetic poem, which fits very well with the chant structure. There is not chant throughout though, but rather three phases. In the first phase, “abortion is okay” is the repeated phrase, which starts off establishing the political message of the poem. The message is that women’s bodily autonomy give them rights to abort fetuses, without restriction by the government or by men. This message is then expanded to a more feminist tilt in the second phase, where “she has power” is repeated. This emphasizes that when women have reproductive rights, they are empowered and gain gender equality, something seen throughout the world as access to abortion and contraception improves. Then, in the third phase “women are” is the chant.

This final phase is especially powerful, and uses the repetition to its full potential. It starts off describing women as objectified and sexualized, which evokes a mood of weakness, and disempowerment. But then it pivots to a message of strength, with the line “Women come together.” This draw the poem back to its political message – that if women come together in pursuit of reproductive rights and gender equality, they can become empowered. The language throughout this poem was very well used in service of this message, and the structure of the chant poem fits very well.

Sincerely,

Theo

 

Short Story

To JP Rodriguez:

Hi JP,

I really enjoyed the complete version of your story! The strongest aspect is the narrative voice, as it adds a lighthearted, comedic tone to what is otherwise a dramatic story. You imply that the narrator is an older, more mature person with lines such as “What these boys fail to realize is that some girls are just genuinely nice. However it does not occur to these naive teenage boys.” This helps the reader laugh at how Jason and Nate overinterpret Celia’s gestures, and also introduces dramatic irony with lines such as “Little do they know Celia is nothing but a heartbreaker.”

Then, the story is made even more humorous by the title and ending with the Treaty of Orange Park, including the expiration date at age 25. Although, this does beg the question… unless they have the same birthday, one of them would turn 25 first, possibly creating a drama where they are allowed to date Celia while the other isn’t. Just something to think about if you were to write a sequel.

As for improvements go, one thing to consider is grammar, as there are quite a few errors with capitalization, punctuation, and run-on sentences. Also, separating out the dialogue into separate paragraphs can make the story much more legible.

Great work writing such an entertaining story!

Sincerely,

Theo Frye Yanos

 

To Alyssa DiTota:

Hi Alyssa,

First of all, I really liked the setting for your story of early 1900s New York, and it fits well considering the action is taking place at the docks and the Seaport district. Also in this time there was a lot of inequality, which plays into your story since you have a poorly-paid manual laborer and an undergraduate student. The imagery of the blue sky and gray clouds also works for the atmosphere.

Now, to the characterization of Johnathan and Lilly. I think you established Johnathan’s character very well, as someone who works a poorly-paid job that he nonetheless enjoys and steals to get by. However, when it comes to Lilly I feel like her characterization was more rushed. It is said that she is taking Biology, but why? More time is devoted to describing how she wants to attract attention than why she is going to university in the first place, without explaining what the motivation is behind that. This gives her a much more flat personality compared to Johnathan.

The plot of the story is very simple, which is not at all a bad thing. It all takes place in the “This Afternoon” section, after you have introduced Johnathan and Lilly, so I don’t think it really fits into the “rising action – climax – falling action – resolution” format. The way the story resolves, with love at first sight, is pretty cliche, so it really depends on whether the reader is in the mood for that kind of story and whether it is believable for them. The imagery is very well done, describing the eyes and how Johnathan felt “liquid” in her arms was a great touch. Overall, I think with improvements to the characterization of Lilly this can be an even better love story.

Sincerely,

Theo Frye Yanos

 

To Melissa de Jesus:

Hi Melissa,

I really liked the introduction to your short story. The scene with Jasmine’s grandmother offering her hot chocolate was a really great example of “show don’t tell,” easily communicating the warmth of their relationship. The imagery with the rain and the plants of her grandmother’s garden is also really excellent, it establishes a very strong setting and it leads very well into the introduction of Jasmine and Sol’s relationship with Sol sneaking up behind her.

Most of the improvements that I would recommend to this story have to do with the word limit, which I get is hard to work with. For example, I was taken aback by how quickly the grandmother’s death occured, which I think is the rising action. Even if it had to happen within the one paragraph, though, I think it would be better to have a scene illustrate it – for example, a particular morning when the grandmother couldn’t get up and told Jasmine she would die soon – rather than summarizing it.

I have mixed feelings about the climax of the story, which I think would be the scenes with Jasmine in her bed. It does seem odd to me that while Jasmine is sad about her grandmother’s death she doesn’t think of Sol at all, and Sol doesn’t come knocking on her door either until she had to tell her about moving, when they had such a close relationship. Also, the scene of her being depressed about Sol seems like just a repeat of the post-grandmother’s death scene but more extreme, it would be nice if there was something different about them.

As for the resolution of the story, it was a bit weird to explain how Jasmine found Sol as simply “looking for her around every corner.” I really liked the imagery you used in the scene when Jasmine finds Sol though, describing her eyes and the surprise at seeing her with someone else. The picture of the slow tears running down her face goes well with the rain motif you have throughout the story. It does seem a bit overly optimistic that Jasmine, after so long searching for Sol, would move on so easily after finding her and not have any bit of anger or envy. I understand that you wanted a bittersweet and not entirely bitter ending though.

Great work writing such a heartfelt story!

Sincerely,

Theo Frye Yanos

 

Personal Essay

To Jason Guerra:

Hi Jason,

I think this is a great choice for a lighthearted, funny story about how you got caught in a fence and were “rescued” by your cousins. These types of stories are great because we can laugh at other people’s embarassment and it reminds us of similar embarassing stories we have.

However, there is a lot more detail that could be added to this story to improve it. To start, I think you could add much more detail and dialogue that would help us get to know your cousins better – what kind of people are they? We only really see them laughing at you and trying to get you down, but nothing else. If you build more dialogue into the story, it will also help with the flow so that there are not such long paragraphs. Also, a very crucial aspect of the story is that it is harder for you to get over the fence than everyone else – why is that? You could explain more why it is that you are doing this for the first time – have your cousins already done it a lot? I was also confused by the end – you cousin did accidentally cut you, right, and it was bleeding? Maybe you didn’t want to add that detail because it didn’t go with the tone of the story, but it is pretty important I think.

I think your main focus should be improving the grammar, breaking up the long paragraphs with dialogue and more imagery, and also adding depth to the story by showing the relationship you had with your cousins. If there was a motive for climbing the fence even though you knew it would be hard, such as wanting to impress them, it would add more stakes to the story. Then, you could describe how you felt when they started laughing at you – angry? Laughing at yourself? You can describe in more detail how you felt after you finally got down.

Great work with the story!

 

To Shamoona Zara:

Hi Shamoona,

I really liked your story, it was a great choice because it encapsulates your personality, a close relationship you had with another person, and how it changed your life. I appreciate how well you described your envy toward Ana, being someone you looked up to and seeing that she would rather spend time talking to other people than you. Envy is a really human emotion, but we would often like to deny that we feel it, as you tried doing in the story. Also, for someone who does not believe in any religion your description of how your experience with Ana drew you closer to Islam was very touching, and it was a good way to conclude the story.

There are a couple things that could be improved about the structure of the story, in my opinion. First, maybe you could put the quote at the beginning italicized in its own paragraph, because the way you have it now in the first paragraph it is a bit of a jump from talking about the quote to starting the story. Also, I am confused about why you decided to introduce Ana with the “Oh, and I almost forgot” line. I think it could be better if you start the third paragraph straight off talking about Ana, because with how important she was to you it doesn’t make much sense that you would almost forget her. In the fifth paragraph before bringing up the drama with Ana, you casually mention that college was not going well… I think you should either give more detail on why it’s not going well, or not mention it because it creates many unanswered questions.

The only other recommendations I have are small changes in word choice, for example you say that “your heart soared” when you heard Ana speaking to your family, but that means that you became very happy, which isn’t what you meant, right? Probably “my heart sank” would be the right phrase there. There are also some parts where I would recommend “show not tell,” such as when you say “I was affected by what she said when she hung up the phone.”

This was a very beautiful story, thanks so much for writing it!